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How I Loved My Body

“Look at yourself! That dark face, those black spots and pimples. The uneven tanned skin. No wonder he doesn’t like you anymore! She is so much prettier than you are.” I stood in front of the mirror. Tears streamed down my face.

Heavy, dark, and painful, the all-consuming emotions tried to crush me. My throat felt tight, I couldn’t breathe, my mind was racing in desperation.

If only I was beautiful. Tall, slender, delicate, and fair. If only my body was perfect. He wouldn’t have rejected and called me ugly.We would still be happy.



I collapsed on the floor, sobbing and shivering. Blaming my flawed appearance for all the despair, the unbearable suffering, my shattered life.

I had always been insecure about my body and the way it looked. But now, I regret it for failing me, destroying my life. Judged all its blemishes and cursed its unattractive features that were too ugly to love.

I hated my color, my face. I hated my body!

And that’s how it started.

Few years back negativity consumed me.

I was furious at him for choosing another woman over me. I hated my few relatives for telling me that I’m not perfect since I’m dark and my parents will face issues as nobody will marry me. They have to give huge dowry since I’m a girl, I’m from bihar, and I’m “kaali”.

My face was full of pimples. My relatives and friends told me to do lot of things, like apply aloe vera, besan, curd and many more. Go for facial every month you’ll become one tone lighter at least.

“Kallu, kaali billi, dirty coal mine, kala hit, koba, jali hui” all these were my names. And if people who used to call me by these names are reading it, I would like to tell you it effected me a lot.

Toxic thoughts about my dark and imperfect body and insufficient looks circled endlessly in my mind. I was under confident. I always felt like I’m super ugly. I hated my face. I hated my color. And I wanted to become fair, inorder to gain love, respect.

I was obsessed with the improvement of my appearance. I cut my hair, changed my wardrobe, waxed, plucked, and dyed. I considered plastic surgery to remove the visible effects of a genetic skin color that had never bothered me before.



And I applied everything in my face. I started to apply foundation before stepping out from home. But since I’m dark. There was no foundation of my shade in market. I looked grey. I looked like cartoon.

I was determined to make my face better. I wanted to be Fair and more attractive. I would never allow it to let me down again.And my face reacted to the verbal and physical abuse.

Within a few weeks I suffered from a severe acne issues, and frequent irritation . My face became sun sensitive and It became very dark, full of black spots.

My body and I were at war. I knew I couldn’t go on like this. I had to make peace with the way I looked.I had to accept my body for what it was to restore my health, emotional balance, and sanity.

For months, I forced myself to look in the mirror and reconcile with every part of my body. I told myself that looks had nothing to do with the heart break. I cried as I tried to forgive myself for every flaw, wrong proportion, and imperfection.

After a while, I could look at myself and accept what I saw. Free from condemnation, shame, or judgment. Without the self-hatred, it became easier to take care of my body and my health improved together with my opinion of my appearance.

I thought I had learned to love my body. But I was wrong.

This is my photo when my face started to recover. Trust me this is my best picture of that time. I am looking way better here what I actually looked like.

Realizations That Helped Me

1: Accepting yourself doesn’t equal loving yourself.

I made peace with the fact that I wasn’t beautiful. I accepted my body as “just not good enough.” And convinced myself that, despite the inadequacies, I could live with the specific looks of the body I have

But as I gained skin issues again and my color became dark the acceptance vanished because I never learned to love my color.

2.The true reason why your body deserves your love.

As I searched for ways to truly love and accept my body, I realized what a miracle the human body is.



Trillions of cells work in harmony to perform millions of tasks that guarantee survival. My body gave me life and served me unconditionally.

But, instead of being grateful, I ignored and sabotaged its efforts to maintain my health, and damaged it.

Why did I believe my body was somehow wrong or not good enough? Why was it so difficult to love and accept it?

3: Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder.

As I looked into it more deeply, I started to understand that I had become a victim. All my life, I was bombarded with set definitions of beauty. Every TV show, movie, and newspaper highlighted the standards required to be beautiful.

They implied how I had to look to be desirable. And they established beauty as prerequisites for happiness, success, and love.

I believed that I was destined to be ugly because I didn’t meet the criteria, because my body color didn’t make the grade. I felt like a failure for not being beautiful.

The beauty I yearned for was a set of randomly selected and subjective features. Yet I bowed to them.

My body was so much more than its looks and I was so much more than my body. So why was it so important for me to be beautiful?

4: The true reason why we strive for beauty and perfection

Now I knew that beauty was nothing but a man-made concept. But still I craved to be beautiful, I obsessed over my body’s appearance, I wanted others to admire my looks. And why?

And the reason was low self-worth. All my life, I felt inferior to others. I thought that I was inherently worthless. Yet, I believed that, in order to deserve happiness, love, and fulfilment, I had to be worthy of them. I had to have worth.

The more beautiful, flawless, wealthy and perfect a person is, the more worth they possess in society’s eyes.

And my unremarkable looks were not good enough, leaving me with a painful worth deficit.

Because not being beautiful made me worth less compared to others. Unworthy of a happy life, undeserving of a loving relationship. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Or so I thought.

How I Finally Started to Love My Body

After these life-changing realizations, I went to work to improve my self-worth and break my mind’s conditioning.

  • I must have repeated the affirmations “I am worth” and “I love and approve of myself” thousands of times.
  • I ignored my mind’s resistance to the new paradigm and forgave myself when I slipped back into old self-criticising habits for a while. I persevered.
  • I kept reminding myself that our commonly accepted concept of beauty was society-imposed, arbitrary, and unfounded.
  • My body was a miracle regardless of whether its outer appearance met the criteria. As such, beauty wasn’t a prerequisite for loving it. Or for my worthiness as a person.
  • As my mind got used to the new way of thinking, I started to accept my body as a wonderful part of the infinitely worthy being I was. I broke free from the misguided untruths I used to bow to.
  • I am in a loving relationship with my body now. We are a team. I listen to its needs and allow it to look after me.
  • Every day I thank it for being awesome and serving me so well. When my body changes or is unwell or in pain, I bless it with love instead of cursing it for being weak or letting me down.

I still have the little acne marks, and tan I gained. I might lose them eventually. But they don’t destroy my beauty; they don’t deduct from my worth.

I no longer look in the mirror and see acne, dark color and imperfections. I see a miracle. I see life.

I see worth.

Beauty isn’t restricted to a chosen few who happen to meet the requirements. It is an expression of the marvel of human existence. Beauty is within all of us.

Your body is a miracle. You are worth. And you are Be-You-tiful!

 

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33 thoughts on “How I Loved My Body”

  1. You are very kind for following my blog, for your like of my posts, I am very grateful. I am very sorry for the grief that you had to deal with in your past years; there was no reason for those feelings about yourself. I am glad that you are doing better in life. Thanks for being a friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Smriti ,

    Loved this piece , very original and pure . I have gone through something similar , your absolutely right it was a battle between mind and body , It was a tough one !! . But once there is acceptance then the mind and body unite and one becomes stronger expotentially , those who survive through this inner battle are reborn with much more endurance , confidence and don’t give a F&*k attitude .

    I believe life is one beautiful journey of self revelation, those who figure out what they love and what makes them who they are the ones that succeed and all the rest are mere copy cats or wannabes who close their eyes and walk through life accepting whatever the world chucks at them !! In order to chase your dreams you gotta let go of the ground , you will never figure out you can fly unless you jump !! You know what I mean !!

    Keep it up !!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your blog was really an ideal way of thinking for anyone who is depressed of looks or not feel his/her worth. I hope this blog spreads to all the person in need and wanna tell you that you will surely become an inspiration for many peoples all over the world. Stay positive spread positive 😊
    And Dont let others thought disturb your inner and outer beauty as well.. you are beautiful 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Isn’t it that everyone is imperfect and being curious about something, aspire to be something makes a person’s life interesting (rather it makes life)? Who is born perfect with those eternal looks? Answer is no one. And I would say world has moved far ahead to discuss this topic on “Loving ones Body” it should be “Loving onself and all around” and be happy, always. Disfavour any creation on this planet is simply disgrace to God itself. Love Osho

    Liked by 1 person

  5. When everyone comment about you yeah! It’s hard to ignore them it’s hard to ignore thoughts come in mind, but these same thoughts comes to everyone weather you are fair or dull in color bcz every one is lack of something that she/he really want
    People who say these words always looks towards our flaws never looks what is good in us as I said it’s hard to ignore them but some times yeah they don’t matter anyways when you don’t give importance to them, and hye! You have got beautiful hair smile body eyes everything worth loving don’t go to complexion nobody is perfect I have fairer skin than urs but the irony is I am dieing to get hair like yours 😂😂😂😂
    PS – love u how ever u r

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can totally relate how I also suffer because of my white spot.. but the most important thing about me is I really never wanted these things to become barrier in my career… Good that you realised and learned… Never make yourself down for others… Looks matter definitely matter but not more then personality…. And you have a very sexy personality mam… 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can understand. But trust me you’re a inspiration shruti. And you’re very strong, Love the way you carry yourself and the confidence which you wear! There is so much to learn from you. I love your personality. 🤗
      Thanks for reading 🙂

      Like

  7. Great post! Now let me put in my 2 cents on this.
    Looks matter, but personality matters MUCH MORE.
    A person’s first impresion hugely depends on their looks, what better way to JUDGE someone right off, right? But as time passes, some people will see the real you, and will also cherish you for who you are.
    You just need to identify those few people, keep them close and throw the rest away like a pile of old clothes.
    Life is too short to keep peace with toxic people. Ditch ’em.

    P.S. – And regarding that battle with yourself thing, remember YOU ARE A CHAMPION and champions never back down.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is the much needed article for today’s youth, many of whom will relate to this and it will really help change their views too. Nice one smriti 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Looks really dont matter babe.. What matters is what kind of a person you are from inside.. And you are a beautiful soul.. Your looks will fade someday, what will stay is the impression you leave on hearts.. And trust me, it is BEAUTIFUL.. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL 😊😘.. Let them say whatever they want to, you are beautiful just the way you are. 😊❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Wonderful topic Smrithi!!

    We all face these kind of inner demons.
    They are more powerful in destroying us.

    Being in love with ourself and accepting our flaws is the greatest gift one can give to themself.

    Be you. Be Unique… Each and Everyone is unique in their own way.. 😊

    Good work Smrithi 👏 .. Always coming up with some thoughtful topics…

    Liked by 1 person

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