A girl with mental illness #personal

Now this is going to be very very long. You might think that I’m romanticising my suffering may be I’m.

First time when I encountered with anxiety was during my college and I never knew that we call it anxiety.

I used to have extreme exam phobias. It was so extreme that I was not able to sleep during my exams no matter how much I prepare. I used to shiver one night before exam. I had severe headaches, nausea, restlessness. I used to cry few hours before, after giving exam. I used to get super weird.
I used to calculate my marks again and again, my brother used to call me crazy. We both were in same batch, so had all exams on same day. He was always chilled out. He always tried to help me by making me laugh leaving his preparations aside, by giving counselling hoping that it will calm my mind. But still I never slept during any of my exam. I used to shiver, cry whole night. Even though my body wanted break, I was still pushing it “no you need to study”, (dimag me chahe ghuse hai nhi)
I actually abused my mind.
My father who used to be super strict when it comes to our studies he even told me it is okay even if you fail, please don’t take this much stress.
Though I never failed but I never performed nicely during my college.(as per my expectations). May be you guys must be thinking it is normal, but no it was not.
You must see me during any exam.

I never showed this crazy side of mine to any of my friends. For them I was always a happy person.

When I started writing blogs for Femina, I stared reading several blogs and books to get ideas, I came through this word “mental health”, I read different books and then I came to know the restlessness which I feel is actually my anxiety. It was always there during my 4 years of college life(during exams).
Because of this reason I always had low self esteem and low self-confidence.
But during my college life I was always single, and fun loving person my insecurities and my phobia was my only problem.

After getting into so called real world it got worse. I faced severe issues specially in my past relationship.

I was in LDR, I was so much in love I wanted it to work out.
We women have this tendency to hold on until the very last drop of our self respect and hope.

Also I was not satisfied with my career, I used to feel like ” I’m good for nothing ” all the time. I was so under confident.

I pushed myself to sleep, but so hi nhi pati, my mind was full of negative thoughts. I was so comfortable in crying, ki bina roye nind nhi aati thi, jab ro ro k sar nhi ghumta tha mujhe better feel nhi hota tha. I used to cry whole night, and still uth k office jati thi. I was fucking tired whole time, there were days I woke up and mujhse ho hi nhi paa rha tha, I had to write a mail ki I’m taking leave uske baad bhi mai ye soch soch k marti thi ki kya kr rhi mai? I should work. How I will grow.

Somedays extreme panic attacks aate the. I was always in fear of losing that person, I was in so much of pain of betrayal. I used to ping my few friends during midnight. But btaya bhi nhi jata tha ki what is bothering me. One day I pinged my very close friend, I told her that my mind is killing me and I’m having extreme negative thoughts, her reply was so casual that made me to stop messaging or bothering others. I started taking sleeping pills

I tried my best to keep myself occupied with work and my studies, hoping that it will help me in my career, and I’ll be fine with time but who knew that I’m abusing my mind and body by not taking rest.

I used to sleep with my ex’s sweater everyday so that I feel he is there, I was such a pathetic person at that time.
Yeah you can judge me.
May be that’s why I never got respect which I deserved. My office work culture was very toxic for me, as I was super sensitive I was not in a state to take any harsh words.
One of my colleagues behaviour was bothering me a lot. One day his mail so was disturbing for me, I cried in front of everyone in a meeting.
Now, isse worse, embarrassing or kya ho skta hai?

During that time I hurt my leg, so I was in bed all the time, that time is a nightmare for me. I started having suicidal thoughts, I even tried hurting myself, I became emotional beggar.
I even started taking sleeping pills which was the worst thing ever.

I was not eating food whole day, still I was working from home continuously.
My flatmates used to come and ask why are you not eating anything? They told me several times that I’m not doing good to my health.
And yes I started having severe health issues.

There was a girl who was torturing me all the time, I surrendered in front of her. I never felt this weak in my entire life.

I was too afraid to tell this to my family because I never wanted to show that I’m weak, I never wanted them to feel like ghar se bahar nikal k mere se manage nhi ho rha, I never wanted them to think I’m over sensitive. One day I tried telling my mom but lgta tha kaha se btaun? And what should I say? That I’m a loser in my career? Or I’m feeling it just because of a guy?

During that time I used to see picture of my mom all the time, specially whenever I had suicidal thoughts, to remind myself that I can’t do this to my mom. (Only thing that helped to push myself to live everyday)

There were words which was always there in my mind, which made me feel I’m not mentally good. And I’m very toxic person.

Then I went home due to my leg injury . My mother started asking me ki tu baat kyu nhi krti humse? Itna chup kaise rehne lagi? I don’t want to go back to that time again ever in my life. But I don’t trust my life🤷🏽‍♀️

Now, Sharing all these is a part of my therapy. So please bear it, if you’re still reading it.

Also, I want to tell my all friends who think I’m very strong, I’m not, I’m emotionally very weak, people who think that I’m a very positive person, I’m not.

People who appreciate my career, you should not. Sometimes my mind is full of negative thoughts. Sometimes I feel like a loser. But yeah I try to make myself look normal, I try to have fun to feel positive.
But the girl you’re seeing is shattered and broken.

I have changed many things about myself. Reprogrammed my mind. Doing better than before.

And I have made piece with a fact that it’s okay to be a loser sometimes.
It okay that I’m too weak emotionally to love someone,
It’s okay that I’m a girl with so many mental issues. Sometimes accepting fact is all that you need…

Published by Smriti Singh

Inquisitive Software Analyst Mental health Activist

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