Life is insecure until you’re dead.
This is what I Learned from various experiences from being in school and facing what all children face some way or other i.e comparison, competition, discrimination too to loosing paterfamilias at very teen age of 17 which is the worst among all the bad incident of life, that pain has taken roots deep inside me. Everytime you get nostalgia it flows from eyes. All that moments, memories, his advice at various stages, care I receive when I actually need, and everything that father does, not out of responsibility but Love. Happy small family.
My father was healthy and fit, I hardly could have ever hit with a thought of seeing him in hospital, and in reality I’ve seen him in ventilator for more than 15 days and then him loosing pulse and ended up loosing him. That was the most scary nightmare even today. What else could be more harsh punishment than seeing your father dying and you could not do anything than requesting doctor to save him, crying, begging for help and remain helpless, even worse is when you are left with your mother(in same condition as I am) and father who is just a body now. You are the only one to book ambulance and get back to your town pretending to be strong, only little help you get from God is strength to manage situation, when you were still a typical Indian teenage boy who are still bought-up by their parents as a kid.
When you really face such extreme situation, which you could never expect , it affects us psychologically, I was suffering from lack of feeling of any sort wether Sad , Happy or love. nothing! Total apathy. I felt like no loss can be bigger than this to make me cry and deep down in my heart I really want to cry, but I don’t know how? When something made me laugh I regret alot and love is now desperation, now girls were running away from me :p
Time heals by, bit by bit erasing memories, human memory is really weak, however it is not really a healing it just like a layer of skin with a wound inside still green, which will be there whole life and coming life, I don’t know if there is any. But time wont let you get rid of your pain ,it covers the wound with a protective layer above and you can always feel it in various occasions.
What really helped me in overcoming my own suffering?
a. Understanding:- when a person understands his suffering, it is half cured, what I felt. I spent a lot time alone, contemplating. Many occasions I did meditation (Dynamic Meditation with catharsis), which helped me to empty thoughts and spend energy in thinking rather than wasting energy in web of thoughts, this helps to discover yourself 🧐 a little by little.
b. Acceptance:- what has to happen has happened. I embraced my situation. I can not blame anyone for anything. Thinking and creating story around same thing , which is now past is complete waste of time which i can spend with my loved ones who are with me. And with more love and kindness I have in me.
c. Moving on with positive change:- Just moving on is like waiting for next ditch prepared for you to jump into. I took Spirituality as my new and main subject in my life. I started reading books which were either orated or written by spiritual leader, listening discourses, many times I came across harsh words of Acharya Rajneesh, who’s words always worked as Bitter medicine which penetrated inside me to heal my wounds and I Learned many fundamentals of life through him. This worked for me, everyone can discover their own.
So I just contemplated a lot, spent lot of time alone, even when I was in public place when needed. Decided to live completely new and a normal life.