My healing story #hearmeout

Since last year I was struggling with my emotions, for me it was very tough to get out of bed every single day! For continuously 1 to 1.5 years I suffered. I was emotionally abused. I used to call my friends at midnight and cry like a baby.

I was losing interest in food unknowingly. My flatmates always showed concerned why don’t you eat. In last few months I became complete insomniac person,
I was not able to sleep at all.
I started having frequent emotional breakdowns in a day. Waking up in the morning was such a scary thing. From bathing to travelling, from office breaks, in my bed, while studying all I did was crying or stopping myself from crying.

I was forcing myself to get out of bed, eat, talk every single day. No matter how much I cry I was not able to heal my pain! Then I was having a severe leg injury, I was on bed rest, I started having suicidal feelings.
I even tried doing it. I wrote a big suicidal letter once which my friend saw and she did her best to stop. I started keeping my parents pictures in my bed to stop myself. After some point that also stopped helping my thoughts. Your mind can be your biggest enemy and it is so so so true.

I guess I have called all of my friends in midnight asking for help me as I’m not able to sleep, but talking to them helped me just in that moment. I even cried once in one of my office meetings due to my emotional breakdown, I had to face them next day no matter how embaraased I was and I did.
I went to my parent’s home. I knew that this is not good, I did everything to get of out of this, read lot of self help books, made routine, adapted healthy practices and trust me it was kind of working for me too. But my progress got triggered by continuous cyber harassment which most people in my profile already know.

When lockdown started my situation became worse, I deleted Instagram for two months to stay out of negativity and slowly all my social sites and still was craving to sleep. My night time was worst, I did everything trying to engage myself in tv shows, but my mind was killing me. Even sleeping for 2-3 hours started giving me satisfaction. My skin, my eyes suffered a lot.
My mother was suffering too seeing me in this state she told me to see a doctor, and he told me I’m too young for sleeping pills but I should take that considering my situation. I got too scared to take it. One morning my mother came to gave me head massage for hours trying her best to make me sleep, still it didn’t work. I was living with continuous headache, extreme frustration every day. I was not working this time, all I did was painting. But I slowly went into zone where living everyday was the most painful thing. Darkness was my best friend. I was afraid of night and mornings.

I didn’t want my parents to see my crying I locked myself in the room, washroom to cry as long as I want to. Crying makes feel good to some people, but I was abusing myself. I have abused my eyes by crying for many hours, by not sleeping and pushing myself to work in front of a screen, watching shows to escape from my feelings by not eating. I felt extremely tired, had severe headaches all the time. In this past one year, I can’t tell you a single day where I was happy
and I didn’t cry! I became too comfortable in that zone. Please don’t let my smiling pictures fool you.

I was rigid that I can get out of it, but at the end I completely lost hope of living.
I lost total of 8-9 kgs, my face was full of big acnes and hyperpigmentation. I had severe digestion issues, became under weight now.
My mother once cried and told me please let’s see a doctor, please take a sleep, it’s too painful to see you like this

Finally I made my mind to see a clinical psychologist for the third time, I took two sessions from different psychologist but I didn’t like it
So I researched a lot this time and found one, made my mind to do everything with full dedication whatever she’s going to suggest.

Finally I was diagnosed with dysthymia(persistence depressive disorder). I took my proper treatment, and here I am writing to you all 🙂
Before second session I never thought I’ll ever get out of it and I’ll ever find life worth living. But I started seeing light after my second session

Also healing is not linear, my healing was triggered several times, one time after continuously working on myself for 1 month, I was triggered again due to some situation felt like I’m going back in that zone. Again my sleep was disturbed badly. But it was for 2-3 days. During your healing there will be several ups and downs, many times you’ll feel nothing is working, this is the end or you’re going back. But it’s a part of your process of healing. When you’ll look back you’ll love your growth, your learning.

During this I have made a friend who studies psychology from Harvard currently through social media and my work, I shared once about my negative thought, suicidal feelings she was kind enough and she helped me a lot. She suggested a book in which various activities was given and I did all that. I am forever grateful for her.

The two major reason for my pain was due to dissatisfaction in my career, I was tired of trying in two years, felt like a loser everyday, felt like my dreams will just be dreams, I’ll be nothing, just a loser and my relationship, I was cheated very badly in my relationship
which made me completely broken. I was emotionally abused continuously from my ex in my relationship. Initially I tried cope by not showing what’s inside sometimes by sharing with fliters, by hanging out with friends but whenever I was left alone, my mind was my enemy. My childhood traumas, my relationship, my career, my social media everything was so overwhelming for me.
Even the small things was too painful to handle at that time. And yes shaming me for my clothes, all the judgements had an impact on my mental health too.

I’m 25 and I don’t know what my life has to offer, what situations I’m going to face but I never want to see myself going in that zone ever again , after so much pain.

So here I am, the woman you’re seeing is a continuous work in a progress(like everyone else). Yes I’ve still not accomplished whatever I wanted to but I’m working everyday for it. I have a better understanding of my self worth, about relationships, boundaries, my values, my inner critic, learning and unlearning things, dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. And I’m still learning, still growing.

Working on my self has helped me to say what I want to say. I was never this person I never expressed my thoughts but now I do.
And I feel empowered. And it’s not easy to put a smile when you’re going through hell but when you do you’ll get to know how strong you are.
My personal experience was not the only reason for #hearmeout project and my magazine, I started it to help my friends to understand it and be aware of it, what they are going through. I’m writing about it from past 1.5 years, but now I have learned a lot through my pain, therapy and by reading.

I have learned that working on your mental strength is the most important.
It can take anywhere you want, anywhere! Trust me it does.

One thing I strongly believe now- “The strength of your mind determines the quality of your life.”
My mental strength comes from few practices which I do regularly now to maintain my mental health

After connecting to several mental health professionals and life coaches I know one thing we normalize many unhealthy things, live our life with it which we should not. Seeking help, understanding the unhealthy symptoms and continuously working on inner self will always make you a star⭐️
Let’s keep making ourself better💙

Published by Smriti Singh

Inquisitive Software Analyst Mental health Activist

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