Coming out as a survivor

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ SEXUAL ABUSE/SEXUAL HARASSMENT/SUICIDE

#nosympathyplease🙏🏽

I wrote this with tears, something very random and my attempt to put my feelings and experience in words. For the first time my hand was shaking while writing something for my website. For the first time I am not sure if I am making a big mistake by sharing this here.

When you’re a child and someone touches you in a way they shouldn’t, it changes you forever — there’s no question about that. Something is taken away from you that can never be given back, can never be fixed.

After being sexually touched and abused by a relative at 8, I suppressed my traumatic memories. I didn’t have the words to explain what happened to me, just felt like I did something wrong. I had idea of good touch and bad touch still felt like I did something wrong. It was until 10 years later I began to process what happened to me. Embarrassed me, I did my best job to keep it a secret. It feels disgusting to face the person whenever I we meet at any family event.

But silly me, I didn’t know something worse will happen in the future which will crush me, something which will make me question why I am a woman💔

I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to share it to anyone, or write it down. But I’ll definitely share how difficult it is to survive, continue your life. I’ll share how I am dealing with my abuse(while trying my best not relive those memories)

It has given me suicidal thoughts for sometime, scary dreams and sleepless nights. It teared me in half. Sometimes when I look at my naked body in the mirror I get scared and suffer from the emotional breakdown.

For a long time I blamed myself why I am so weak, why I am not physically strong, why I allowed that. Why can’t I change it, this is unfair, why can’t I tell the world. There was a phase, I hated every single men. There were days I prayed for a miracle to happen, I just wanted to change what happened, I wanted to change the past. I hated my life, every inch of my body. There was a time I hated myself, I was frustrated why I was helpless.

It has definitely ruined my relationship with men. Sometimes it gets so scary I feel like I’ll never have any physical intimacy again, no matter how strong emotional connection I make with the guy. There were times I liked the guy I am talking to but I pushed myself away, I got too scared. I always feel like I’ll have to hide part of myself in the relationship and as a result it makes it really hard for me to be fully invested on an emotional level because I am constantly performing. And it makes me question how much I can expect a partner to give when I cannot and will not give all of myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make him understand what I went through.

Therapy has helped me to move on, accept what happened, deal with the trauma and not let past define my future. It helped my mental health. Finally I am in a place I can say I am out of that phase, I am no more in a depression. Last year was the toughest time of my life because I had to sit with my feelings during lockdown and my mind, those memories were killing me. But I feel strong because I survived my darkest nights, my darkest thoughts, specially when I was about to give up. These words can make you feel I am playing victim but trust me I am out of words to explain my pain.

I am healed(I believe so), I am having the best time of my life right now, I feel I have grown a lot. I am working everyday to make my all dreams come true but whenever I watch or read anything related to assault or abuse in any movies, I can’t stop my tears, it triggers me a lot. I avoid reading news. As a blogger I read lot of contents and stories, this month I read a lot because this is the awareness month, every story made me cry, but it also gave me the strength to write what you’re reading right now.

But still the word “dating” seems like a nightmare to me now. Dating as a survivor often brings out traumatic memories, sensations, and emotions because of my past experiences. I don’t think I’ll ever have the guts to share my partner about my trauma, I don’t think I can even think about a guy touching me again.💔 It’s not that I have not tried, it just makes me relive those memories again. But I have faith in myself, one day this all will seem like a bad dream and I am hoping the fear of men will go away.

I know if you are close to me, there must be so many things in your mind right now, you may want to ask me more or discuss it, but don’t! Sharing this was the big deal for me, because it’s very very personal and I have never shared this to anyone, not even to my loved ones. I am already afraid of the reactions/judgements but I still choose to share it.

Sharing my story with a hope for the future and the paradigm shift we need in how we talk about sexual assualt. Praying that the younger no one goes through what so many women in my generation went through by suffering in silence. Hope that young men will understand the importance of consent and eschew the dynamic of power, entitlement and opportunity that are the hallmarks of every assualt.

If you’re survivor like me I just want to tell you, YOU ARE POWERFUL❤️ NOT BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT SCARED BUT YOU WENT ON SO STRONGLY DESPITE THE FEAR!

Published by Smriti Singh

Inquisitive Software Analyst Mental health Activist

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