Featured

Happy Me 🦋

Healing takes time. In my case it took me exactly one year!

Look at my face, those black scars. Those pimples were painful af😒

Now look at me

Not a perfect picture but you can’t deny that my skin is looking much better here 😀

I don’t associate my appearance with my self worth. But there were days I felt insecure, there were days I didn’t want to look at my face.

But thank god my confidence was not shattered this time, thank god I stopped obsessing over how I look long long back.

Healing takes time in my case it took me one year. I look my best when I feel beautiful from inside, when I feel completely healthy.

Guys, last year was tough for me, super super tough! And today through this post I wanted to share my happy face. 😇🦋

Featured

Beat Loneliness on New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve can be difficult you’re spending alone. And it natural to feel lonely during this time. This time is generally thought of as a time of joy and love, but for many people, it’s a time of loneliness. Some people live far from family and miss seeing their loved ones this time of year; others dread going to holiday parties and New year’s Eve

I am celebrating alone this year too. Unlike last year this year at least I won’t be shedding tears 😀

I am glad that finally I learned to celebrate and enjoy my own company. Here are few of my tips that may help you to beat the loneliness tonight.

1. Take a social media break:

Constantly scrolling through social media networks like Instagram, and seeing celebrities and influencers sharing their celebrations online can be hard to see. So just put a social media ban in place and try and avoid looking at your phone. Accept that life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to, or the way it’s portrayed through social media.

2. Reflect with gratitude:

The last day of the year is a perfect time for self-reflection, but chances are you’ve always been too caught up in the flurry of celebrations to really take an honest look back at the year. Think about things you feel grateful for this year. And say it goodbye with a good and positive note. Write it down.

3. Cook something for yourself:

Plan something delicious for dinner and set up a little date night for yourself. This is a special occasion, after all, and you’re worth spoiling!

4. Make your room your party venue:

Clean your room, make it your party venue and decide to watch a good movie before hand. Watch some meaningful or funny to feel the positive emotions

5. Schedule in a video call with loved ones:

You don’t need to be alone-alone! You can still chat to other people and share some quality time – even if it’s over the phone. Plan a video call with your friends or family.

6. Treat Yourself

Do something lovely for yourself as a little celebration. That can be a nice glass of fizz to celebrate with at midnight, a toasty bath and unwinding session in the tub, or a tasty dessert, or just look at stars and enjoying the silence and view.

Make this a nice evening for yourself so that it feels like an active choice to spend the night alone. Try to reframe it in your mind – you’re not lonely, you’ve planned a great evening with yourself, for yourself, and that’s something to look forward to.

7. Don’t compare your evening.

If you’re planning on being alone on New Year’s Eve, try to avoid looking at what everyone else is up to. No matter how much you’re enjoying your evening, you’ll instantly feel a bit rubbish if you look at what an amazing time everyone else is having. So just don’t compare.

8. Reframe Negative Thoughts with something good:

Just imagine starting the first day of the year with no regrets from the night before. You could go for an early morning walk, do some gentle yoga or get started on a productive hobby instead of lying in bed with an almighty headache. Think about spending next day on a positive note and just don’t believe negative thoughts.

Your feelings are valid, feel it.

Remember your feelings are valid and it is normal to feel lonely on such occasions. Set an alarm, give yourself some time to honor how you feel and then get back to having a fun evening.

Tip: If you’re focused on a task, like cooking, you’re less likely to sit and feel lonely. Try to stay slightly busy without overwhelming yourself and the evening will fly by – in a good way! Try to plan 1-2 hours of the night, like what movie to watch, whom you should call, watching any stand up comedy, or what to eat, or just dance it out, whom to call, or thinking about any new resolution. Or having a normal evening, not acknowledging what’s going on, and just taking some time to yourself.

Remember there’s no big pressure to stay up and celebrate – it can be just another evening for you if that’s what you want. You won’t really be missing much anyway, so do what’s best for you!

Hope this helps to anyone who is feeling lonely and unloved today.

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2021❤️ Wishing for the good times 🙂

Featured

My healing story #hearmeout

Since last year I was struggling with my emotions, for me it was very tough to get out of bed every single day! For continuously 1 to 1.5 years I suffered. I was emotionally abused. I used to call my friends at midnight and cry like a baby.

I was losing interest in food unknowingly. My flatmates always showed concerned why don’t you eat. In last few months I became complete insomniac person,
I was not able to sleep at all.
I started having frequent emotional breakdowns in a day. Waking up in the morning was such a scary thing. From bathing to travelling, from office breaks, in my bed, while studying all I did was crying or stopping myself from crying.

I was forcing myself to get out of bed, eat, talk every single day. No matter how much I cry I was not able to heal my pain! Then I was having a severe leg injury, I was on bed rest, I started having suicidal feelings.
I even tried doing it. I wrote a big suicidal letter once which my friend saw and she did her best to stop. I started keeping my parents pictures in my bed to stop myself. After some point that also stopped helping my thoughts. Your mind can be your biggest enemy and it is so so so true.

I guess I have called all of my friends in midnight asking for help me as I’m not able to sleep, but talking to them helped me just in that moment. I even cried once in one of my office meetings due to my emotional breakdown, I had to face them next day no matter how embaraased I was and I did.
I went to my parent’s home. I knew that this is not good, I did everything to get of out of this, read lot of self help books, made routine, adapted healthy practices and trust me it was kind of working for me too. But my progress got triggered by continuous cyber harassment which most people in my profile already know.

When lockdown started my situation became worse, I deleted Instagram for two months to stay out of negativity and slowly all my social sites and still was craving to sleep. My night time was worst, I did everything trying to engage myself in tv shows, but my mind was killing me. Even sleeping for 2-3 hours started giving me satisfaction. My skin, my eyes suffered a lot.
My mother was suffering too seeing me in this state she told me to see a doctor, and he told me I’m too young for sleeping pills but I should take that considering my situation. I got too scared to take it. One morning my mother came to gave me head massage for hours trying her best to make me sleep, still it didn’t work. I was living with continuous headache, extreme frustration every day. I was not working this time, all I did was painting. But I slowly went into zone where living everyday was the most painful thing. Darkness was my best friend. I was afraid of night and mornings.

I didn’t want my parents to see my crying I locked myself in the room, washroom to cry as long as I want to. Crying makes feel good to some people, but I was abusing myself. I have abused my eyes by crying for many hours, by not sleeping and pushing myself to work in front of a screen, watching shows to escape from my feelings by not eating. I felt extremely tired, had severe headaches all the time. In this past one year, I can’t tell you a single day where I was happy
and I didn’t cry! I became too comfortable in that zone. Please don’t let my smiling pictures fool you.

I was rigid that I can get out of it, but at the end I completely lost hope of living.
I lost total of 8-9 kgs, my face was full of big acnes and hyperpigmentation. I had severe digestion issues, became under weight now.
My mother once cried and told me please let’s see a doctor, please take a sleep, it’s too painful to see you like this

Finally I made my mind to see a clinical psychologist for the third time, I took two sessions from different psychologist but I didn’t like it
So I researched a lot this time and found one, made my mind to do everything with full dedication whatever she’s going to suggest.

Finally I was diagnosed with dysthymia(persistence depressive disorder). I took my proper treatment, and here I am writing to you all 🙂
Before second session I never thought I’ll ever get out of it and I’ll ever find life worth living. But I started seeing light after my second session

Also healing is not linear, my healing was triggered several times, one time after continuously working on myself for 1 month, I was triggered again due to some situation felt like I’m going back in that zone. Again my sleep was disturbed badly. But it was for 2-3 days. During your healing there will be several ups and downs, many times you’ll feel nothing is working, this is the end or you’re going back. But it’s a part of your process of healing. When you’ll look back you’ll love your growth, your learning.

During this I have made a friend who studies psychology from Harvard currently through social media and my work, I shared once about my negative thought, suicidal feelings she was kind enough and she helped me a lot. She suggested a book in which various activities was given and I did all that. I am forever grateful for her.

The two major reason for my pain was due to dissatisfaction in my career, I was tired of trying in two years, felt like a loser everyday, felt like my dreams will just be dreams, I’ll be nothing, just a loser and my relationship, I was cheated very badly in my relationship
which made me completely broken. I was emotionally abused continuously from my ex in my relationship. Initially I tried cope by not showing what’s inside sometimes by sharing with fliters, by hanging out with friends but whenever I was left alone, my mind was my enemy. My childhood traumas, my relationship, my career, my social media everything was so overwhelming for me.
Even the small things was too painful to handle at that time. And yes shaming me for my clothes, all the judgements had an impact on my mental health too.

I’m 25 and I don’t know what my life has to offer, what situations I’m going to face but I never want to see myself going in that zone ever again , after so much pain.

So here I am, the woman you’re seeing is a continuous work in a progress(like everyone else). Yes I’ve still not accomplished whatever I wanted to but I’m working everyday for it. I have a better understanding of my self worth, about relationships, boundaries, my values, my inner critic, learning and unlearning things, dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. And I’m still learning, still growing.

Working on my self has helped me to say what I want to say. I was never this person I never expressed my thoughts but now I do.
And I feel empowered. And it’s not easy to put a smile when you’re going through hell but when you do you’ll get to know how strong you are.
My personal experience was not the only reason for #hearmeout project and my magazine, I started it to help my friends to understand it and be aware of it, what they are going through. I’m writing about it from past 1.5 years, but now I have learned a lot through my pain, therapy and by reading.

I have learned that working on your mental strength is the most important.
It can take anywhere you want, anywhere! Trust me it does.

One thing I strongly believe now- “The strength of your mind determines the quality of your life.”
My mental strength comes from few practices which I do regularly now to maintain my mental health

After connecting to several mental health professionals and life coaches I know one thing we normalize many unhealthy things, live our life with it which we should not. Seeking help, understanding the unhealthy symptoms and continuously working on inner self will always make you a star⭐️
Let’s keep making ourself better💙

Hey Stranger!

Hey stranger. I see u looking at me.

But what do u see?

My black outfit, my black hair, my black shoes, or my black skin?

Hey stranger. R u strong enough to pierce my soul? R u brave enough to face the demons inside me?

I see you looking at me.

Have u put on ur guard of secure thinking yet? Bcoz my demons are the insecurities I face everyday.

I’m sure all the wise words about women have already been said.

But have u met a woman so fierce that u feel intimidated?

Hey stranger, have u ever made any woman embrace herself for who she is?

Bcoz last time I checked, ppl get uncomfortable

When a woman accepts herself.

I’m told to use lightening creams

So that I look like a fairy

But why would u Oh dears not rather ask me

If I was ever happy?

Dark curtains, closed in my room

That sunlight could never get in.

But don’t judge my comfort in darkness just yet,

Coz the real dementors outside that darkness were always lurking.

Lurking to call me ugly

Lurking to call on my dress

It’s either too covered or too short

If only my friends could act as a brace.

But I understand.

I understand the way around nature.

And I Understand that I am my own brace.

Bcoz I was crushed, mocked, bullied

And yet here I stand. I stand with the extra 5 inches on.

5 judgemental inches, with all the grace.

These words are not about the “let mes” or give mes”

Bcoz I’m already here.

And I intend to grow unapologetically,

Like a tree,

In the direction of sunlight like a spear.

Sharp and yet kind.

Bold and yet soft.

Dark AND beautiful.

And dare I say, beautiful in and out.

I am my own person.

I have my own roots.

But the real question is,

R u still brave enough to face my demons? Brave enough to open ur minds?

Only time will tell if ur intimidated after the next moment.

Bcoz last time I checked, I embrace myself for who I am. Would you still dare?

Stranger, Would you still dare?

Continue reading “Hey Stranger!”

Coming out as a survivor

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ SEXUAL ABUSE/SEXUAL HARASSMENT/SUICIDE

#nosympathyplease🙏🏽

I wrote this with tears, something very random and my attempt to put my feelings and experience in words. For the first time my hand was shaking while writing something for my website. For the first time I am not sure if I am making a big mistake by sharing this here.

When you’re a child and someone touches you in a way they shouldn’t, it changes you forever — there’s no question about that. Something is taken away from you that can never be given back, can never be fixed.

After being sexually touched and abused by a relative at 8, I suppressed my traumatic memories. I didn’t have the words to explain what happened to me, just felt like I did something wrong. I had idea of good touch and bad touch still felt like I did something wrong. It was until 10 years later I began to process what happened to me. Embarrassed me, I did my best job to keep it a secret. It feels disgusting to face the person whenever I we meet at any family event.

But silly me, I didn’t know something worse will happen in the future which will crush me, something which will make me question why I am a woman💔

I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to share it to anyone, or write it down. But I’ll definitely share how difficult it is to survive, continue your life. I’ll share how I am dealing with my abuse(while trying my best not relive those memories)

It has given me suicidal thoughts for sometime, scary dreams and sleepless nights. It teared me in half. Sometimes when I look at my naked body in the mirror I get scared and suffer from the emotional breakdown.

For a long time I blamed myself why I am so weak, why I am not physically strong, why I allowed that. Why can’t I change it, this is unfair, why can’t I tell the world. There was a phase, I hated every single men. There were days I prayed for a miracle to happen, I just wanted to change what happened, I wanted to change the past. I hated my life, every inch of my body. There was a time I hated myself, I was frustrated why I was helpless.

It has definitely ruined my relationship with men. Sometimes it gets so scary I feel like I’ll never have any physical intimacy again, no matter how strong emotional connection I make with the guy. There were times I liked the guy I am talking to but I pushed myself away, I got too scared. I always feel like I’ll have to hide part of myself in the relationship and as a result it makes it really hard for me to be fully invested on an emotional level because I am constantly performing. And it makes me question how much I can expect a partner to give when I cannot and will not give all of myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make him understand what I went through.

Therapy has helped me to move on, accept what happened, deal with the trauma and not let past define my future. It helped my mental health. Finally I am in a place I can say I am out of that phase, I am no more in a depression. Last year was the toughest time of my life because I had to sit with my feelings during lockdown and my mind, those memories were killing me. But I feel strong because I survived my darkest nights, my darkest thoughts, specially when I was about to give up. These words can make you feel I am playing victim but trust me I am out of words to explain my pain.

I am healed(I believe so), I am having the best time of my life right now, I feel I have grown a lot. I am working everyday to make my all dreams come true but whenever I watch or read anything related to assault or abuse in any movies, I can’t stop my tears, it triggers me a lot. I avoid reading news. As a blogger I read lot of contents and stories, this month I read a lot because this is the awareness month, every story made me cry, but it also gave me the strength to write what you’re reading right now.

But still the word “dating” seems like a nightmare to me now. Dating as a survivor often brings out traumatic memories, sensations, and emotions because of my past experiences. I don’t think I’ll ever have the guts to share my partner about my trauma, I don’t think I can even think about a guy touching me again.💔 It’s not that I have not tried, it just makes me relive those memories again. But I have faith in myself, one day this all will seem like a bad dream and I am hoping the fear of men will go away.

I know if you are close to me, there must be so many things in your mind right now, you may want to ask me more or discuss it, but don’t! Sharing this was the big deal for me, because it’s very very personal and I have never shared this to anyone, not even to my loved ones. I am already afraid of the reactions/judgements but I still choose to share it.

Sharing my story with a hope for the future and the paradigm shift we need in how we talk about sexual assualt. Praying that the younger no one goes through what so many women in my generation went through by suffering in silence. Hope that young men will understand the importance of consent and eschew the dynamic of power, entitlement and opportunity that are the hallmarks of every assualt.

If you’re survivor like me I just want to tell you, YOU ARE POWERFUL❤️ NOT BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT SCARED BUT YOU WENT ON SO STRONGLY DESPITE THE FEAR!

Have the COURAGE

According to Brene Brown- Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection because these are the gifts of Imperfection.

“What will they think of me? What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t fit in? What if I am not smart enough? What if I don’t get the job? What if I fail? What if I freeze in front of them? I can’t do this

Sound familiar? Are you constantly plagued by questions on “what if you mess up?” Are you now too scared to try because you failed or because they laughed at you? Does fear now control your life and you can’t get out from under its tight grasp? Are you out of hope?

I’ve been there. I have lived in the fear of “what if”.There were days I never seem to have the courage to do things that I am afraid to do.Yet, every time that I let my fear win, I am never happy, never satisfied. I always end up beating myself up internally for once again being a coward. Sound familiar? Yet, how do you stop?

Well, you probably will never stop being afraid. But, that’s okay. Being courageous doesn’t mean that you are no longer afraid. Instead, being courageous is doing the thing that you are afraid of, even while you’re scared.

Courage:

The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and, today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics is important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage. Heroics is often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world, that’s pretty extraordinary.

When we pay attention, we see courage every day. We see it when people reach out for help, like you can see it in my classroom when a student raises her hand and says, “I’m completely lost. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Do you know how incredibly brave it is to say “I don’t know” when you’re pretty sure everyone around you gets it? I know that if one person can find the courage to say, “You’ve lost me,” there are probably at least ten more students who feel the exact same way. They may not take the risk, but they certainly benefit from that one person’s courage.

I also see courage in myself when I’m willing to risk being vulnerable and disappointed. For many years, if I really wanted something to happen—an invitation to speak, a promotion, a interview—I pretended that it didn’t matter that much. If a friend or colleague would ask, “Are you excited about that article?” Or “Do you think you can clear the interview” I’d shrug it off and say, “I’m not sure. It’s not that big of a deal.” Of course, in reality, I was praying that it would happen.
It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve learned that playing down the exciting stuff doesn’t take the pain away when it doesn’t happen. It does, however, minimize the joy when it does happen. It also creates a lot of isolation. Once you’ve diminished the importance of something, your friends are not likely to call and say, “I’m sorry that didn’t work out. I know you were excited about it.”
Now when someone asks me about a potential opportunity that I’m excited about, I’m more likely to practice courage and say, “I’m so excited about the possibility. I’m trying to stay realistic, but I really hope it happens.” When things haven’t panned out, it’s been comforting to be able to call a supportive friend and say, “Remember that interview I told you about? It’s not going to happen, and I’m so bummed.”

How do you practice Courage?

1. Accept your fears. Acknowledge it. We run from our fears, accepting it is the first step to face it.

2. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, allow yourself to be honest and speak your mind. This will help you to get rid of any shame if you fail.

3. Enlarge your comfort zone. Have you ever watched someone not from an urban area encounter an escalator? He or she often finds it frightening. People who never fly are often terrified of getting on a plane, whereas they don’t fear driving, even though statistically, that’s the more dangerous activity. The more we stick with what’s familiar, the more frightened we’ll be every time we encounter the unfamiliar. So seek out unfamiliar territory–try new things, stretch yourself professionally, risk being seen as a fool.

I am no expert but I practice this everyday in my life,it allows me to be imperfect. It allows me to stay confident, helping me to love myself, accept my imperfections and living life wholeheartedly.

I have learned a lot through my experiences and reading books. This post is inspired by one of my favourite author Brene Brown. Her books have helped me to practice authenticity and speak my mind.

Let me know what you think of this post, share your thoughts if you find it relatable or want to add something.

See you soon, XOXO!

%d bloggers like this: