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Happy Me 🦋

Healing takes time. In my case it took me exactly one year!

Look at my face, those black scars. Those pimples were painful af😒

Now look at me

Not a perfect picture but you can’t deny that my skin is looking much better here 😀

I don’t associate my appearance with my self worth. But there were days I felt insecure, there were days I didn’t want to look at my face.

But thank god my confidence was not shattered this time, thank god I stopped obsessing over how I look long long back.

Healing takes time in my case it took me one year. I look my best when I feel beautiful from inside, when I feel completely healthy.

Guys, last year was tough for me, super super tough! And today through this post I wanted to share my happy face. 😇🦋

Featured

Beat Loneliness on New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve can be difficult you’re spending alone. And it natural to feel lonely during this time. This time is generally thought of as a time of joy and love, but for many people, it’s a time of loneliness. Some people live far from family and miss seeing their loved ones this time of year; others dread going to holiday parties and New year’s Eve

I am celebrating alone this year too. Unlike last year this year at least I won’t be shedding tears 😀

I am glad that finally I learned to celebrate and enjoy my own company. Here are few of my tips that may help you to beat the loneliness tonight.

1. Take a social media break:

Constantly scrolling through social media networks like Instagram, and seeing celebrities and influencers sharing their celebrations online can be hard to see. So just put a social media ban in place and try and avoid looking at your phone. Accept that life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to, or the way it’s portrayed through social media.

2. Reflect with gratitude:

The last day of the year is a perfect time for self-reflection, but chances are you’ve always been too caught up in the flurry of celebrations to really take an honest look back at the year. Think about things you feel grateful for this year. And say it goodbye with a good and positive note. Write it down.

3. Cook something for yourself:

Plan something delicious for dinner and set up a little date night for yourself. This is a special occasion, after all, and you’re worth spoiling!

4. Make your room your party venue:

Clean your room, make it your party venue and decide to watch a good movie before hand. Watch some meaningful or funny to feel the positive emotions

5. Schedule in a video call with loved ones:

You don’t need to be alone-alone! You can still chat to other people and share some quality time – even if it’s over the phone. Plan a video call with your friends or family.

6. Treat Yourself

Do something lovely for yourself as a little celebration. That can be a nice glass of fizz to celebrate with at midnight, a toasty bath and unwinding session in the tub, or a tasty dessert, or just look at stars and enjoying the silence and view.

Make this a nice evening for yourself so that it feels like an active choice to spend the night alone. Try to reframe it in your mind – you’re not lonely, you’ve planned a great evening with yourself, for yourself, and that’s something to look forward to.

7. Don’t compare your evening.

If you’re planning on being alone on New Year’s Eve, try to avoid looking at what everyone else is up to. No matter how much you’re enjoying your evening, you’ll instantly feel a bit rubbish if you look at what an amazing time everyone else is having. So just don’t compare.

8. Reframe Negative Thoughts with something good:

Just imagine starting the first day of the year with no regrets from the night before. You could go for an early morning walk, do some gentle yoga or get started on a productive hobby instead of lying in bed with an almighty headache. Think about spending next day on a positive note and just don’t believe negative thoughts.

Your feelings are valid, feel it.

Remember your feelings are valid and it is normal to feel lonely on such occasions. Set an alarm, give yourself some time to honor how you feel and then get back to having a fun evening.

Tip: If you’re focused on a task, like cooking, you’re less likely to sit and feel lonely. Try to stay slightly busy without overwhelming yourself and the evening will fly by – in a good way! Try to plan 1-2 hours of the night, like what movie to watch, whom you should call, watching any stand up comedy, or what to eat, or just dance it out, whom to call, or thinking about any new resolution. Or having a normal evening, not acknowledging what’s going on, and just taking some time to yourself.

Remember there’s no big pressure to stay up and celebrate – it can be just another evening for you if that’s what you want. You won’t really be missing much anyway, so do what’s best for you!

Hope this helps to anyone who is feeling lonely and unloved today.

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2021❤️ Wishing for the good times 🙂

Coming out as a survivor

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ SEXUAL ABUSE/SEXUAL HARASSMENT/SUICIDE

#nosympathyplease🙏🏽

I wrote this with tears, something very random and my attempt to put my feelings and experience in words. For the first time my hand was shaking while writing something for my website. For the first time I am not sure if I am making a big mistake by sharing this here.

When you’re a child and someone touches you in a way they shouldn’t, it changes you forever — there’s no question about that. Something is taken away from you that can never be given back, can never be fixed.

After being sexually touched and abused by a relative at 8, I suppressed my traumatic memories. I didn’t have the words to explain what happened to me, just felt like I did something wrong. I had idea of good touch and bad touch still felt like I did something wrong. It was until 10 years later I began to process what happened to me. Embarrassed me, I did my best job to keep it a secret. It feels disgusting to face the person whenever I we meet at any family event.

But silly me, I didn’t know something worse will happen in the future which will crush me, something which will make me question why I am a woman💔

I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to share it to anyone, or write it down. But I’ll definitely share how difficult it is to survive, continue your life. I’ll share how I am dealing with my abuse(while trying my best not relive those memories)

It has given me suicidal thoughts for sometime, scary dreams and sleepless nights. It teared me in half. Sometimes when I look at my naked body in the mirror I get scared and suffer from the emotional breakdown.

For a long time I blamed myself why I am so weak, why I am not physically strong, why I allowed that. Why can’t I change it, this is unfair, why can’t I tell the world. There was a phase, I hated every single men. There were days I prayed for a miracle to happen, I just wanted to change what happened, I wanted to change the past. I hated my life, every inch of my body. There was a time I hated myself, I was frustrated why I was helpless.

It has definitely ruined my relationship with men. Sometimes it gets so scary I feel like I’ll never have any physical intimacy again, no matter how strong emotional connection I make with the guy. There were times I liked the guy I am talking to but I pushed myself away, I got too scared. I always feel like I’ll have to hide part of myself in the relationship and as a result it makes it really hard for me to be fully invested on an emotional level because I am constantly performing. And it makes me question how much I can expect a partner to give when I cannot and will not give all of myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make him understand what I went through.

Therapy has helped me to move on, accept what happened, deal with the trauma and not let past define my future. It helped my mental health. Finally I am in a place I can say I am out of that phase, I am no more in a depression. Last year was the toughest time of my life because I had to sit with my feelings during lockdown and my mind, those memories were killing me. But I feel strong because I survived my darkest nights, my darkest thoughts, specially when I was about to give up. These words can make you feel I am playing victim but trust me I am out of words to explain my pain.

I am healed(I believe so), I am having the best time of my life right now, I feel I have grown a lot. I am working everyday to make my all dreams come true but whenever I watch or read anything related to assault or abuse in any movies, I can’t stop my tears, it triggers me a lot. I avoid reading news. As a blogger I read lot of contents and stories, this month I read a lot because this is the awareness month, every story made me cry, but it also gave me the strength to write what you’re reading right now.

But still the word “dating” seems like a nightmare to me now. Dating as a survivor often brings out traumatic memories, sensations, and emotions because of my past experiences. I don’t think I’ll ever have the guts to share my partner about my trauma, I don’t think I can even think about a guy touching me again.💔 It’s not that I have not tried, it just makes me relive those memories again. But I have faith in myself, one day this all will seem like a bad dream and I am hoping the fear of men will go away.

I know if you are close to me, there must be so many things in your mind right now, you may want to ask me more or discuss it, but don’t! Sharing this was the big deal for me, because it’s very very personal and I have never shared this to anyone, not even to my loved ones. I am already afraid of the reactions/judgements but I still choose to share it.

Sharing my story with a hope for the future and the paradigm shift we need in how we talk about sexual assualt. Praying that the younger no one goes through what so many women in my generation went through by suffering in silence. Hope that young men will understand the importance of consent and eschew the dynamic of power, entitlement and opportunity that are the hallmarks of every assualt.

If you’re survivor like me I just want to tell you, YOU ARE POWERFUL❤️ NOT BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT SCARED BUT YOU WENT ON SO STRONGLY DESPITE THE FEAR!

Have the COURAGE

According to Brene Brown- Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection because these are the gifts of Imperfection.

“What will they think of me? What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t fit in? What if I am not smart enough? What if I don’t get the job? What if I fail? What if I freeze in front of them? I can’t do this

Sound familiar? Are you constantly plagued by questions on “what if you mess up?” Are you now too scared to try because you failed or because they laughed at you? Does fear now control your life and you can’t get out from under its tight grasp? Are you out of hope?

I’ve been there. I have lived in the fear of “what if”.There were days I never seem to have the courage to do things that I am afraid to do.Yet, every time that I let my fear win, I am never happy, never satisfied. I always end up beating myself up internally for once again being a coward. Sound familiar? Yet, how do you stop?

Well, you probably will never stop being afraid. But, that’s okay. Being courageous doesn’t mean that you are no longer afraid. Instead, being courageous is doing the thing that you are afraid of, even while you’re scared.

Courage:

The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and, today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics is important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage. Heroics is often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world, that’s pretty extraordinary.

When we pay attention, we see courage every day. We see it when people reach out for help, like you can see it in my classroom when a student raises her hand and says, “I’m completely lost. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Do you know how incredibly brave it is to say “I don’t know” when you’re pretty sure everyone around you gets it? I know that if one person can find the courage to say, “You’ve lost me,” there are probably at least ten more students who feel the exact same way. They may not take the risk, but they certainly benefit from that one person’s courage.

I also see courage in myself when I’m willing to risk being vulnerable and disappointed. For many years, if I really wanted something to happen—an invitation to speak, a promotion, a interview—I pretended that it didn’t matter that much. If a friend or colleague would ask, “Are you excited about that article?” Or “Do you think you can clear the interview” I’d shrug it off and say, “I’m not sure. It’s not that big of a deal.” Of course, in reality, I was praying that it would happen.
It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve learned that playing down the exciting stuff doesn’t take the pain away when it doesn’t happen. It does, however, minimize the joy when it does happen. It also creates a lot of isolation. Once you’ve diminished the importance of something, your friends are not likely to call and say, “I’m sorry that didn’t work out. I know you were excited about it.”
Now when someone asks me about a potential opportunity that I’m excited about, I’m more likely to practice courage and say, “I’m so excited about the possibility. I’m trying to stay realistic, but I really hope it happens.” When things haven’t panned out, it’s been comforting to be able to call a supportive friend and say, “Remember that interview I told you about? It’s not going to happen, and I’m so bummed.”

How do you practice Courage?

1. Accept your fears. Acknowledge it. We run from our fears, accepting it is the first step to face it.

2. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, allow yourself to be honest and speak your mind. This will help you to get rid of any shame if you fail.

3. Enlarge your comfort zone. Have you ever watched someone not from an urban area encounter an escalator? He or she often finds it frightening. People who never fly are often terrified of getting on a plane, whereas they don’t fear driving, even though statistically, that’s the more dangerous activity. The more we stick with what’s familiar, the more frightened we’ll be every time we encounter the unfamiliar. So seek out unfamiliar territory–try new things, stretch yourself professionally, risk being seen as a fool.

I am no expert but I practice this everyday in my life,it allows me to be imperfect. It allows me to stay confident, helping me to love myself, accept my imperfections and living life wholeheartedly.

I have learned a lot through my experiences and reading books. This post is inspired by one of my favourite author Brene Brown. Her books have helped me to practice authenticity and speak my mind.

Let me know what you think of this post, share your thoughts if you find it relatable or want to add something.

See you soon, XOXO!

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